What the eff?: Goals and Grief

My original intention with this blog was to have a place to be completely candid and have an actual outlet for all the randomness and arbitrary thoughts that pop into my head.

It has become a "let-me-quickly-blog-this-event-post-some-pictures-and-type-a-few-captions-in-5-minutes" blog.

Boo.

Heres to putting forth the effort to type the things I think.

Its difficult not to lose yourself when you become a mother. Especially a new mother who owns a business, runs a wedding blog (which has become 200x easier since Becky joined me) and can never quite finish the laundry... ever.

Who is also... I can't believe I'm confessing this... 60 pounds heavier than when you were married. (by "you" I, of course, mean "I")


Speaking of how huge I've become, what the eff dude?! 
I finally have a gym membership (thanks to my father who one day, basically said "Hey honey, you really need to lose some weight. Lets get you working out!") and with Blake's new schedule and the weird infant child care hours, I can never even go!
But exercise is only half of it right? Eating right is step one.
I always BUY the healthy food with "grilled-chicken-or-baked-fish" expectations and I usually end up with homemade brownie realities.

BEFORE
This is me, about a month before my wedding. 130 pounds and having a FABULOUS hair day.

AFTER
This is me 190 pounds, one week ago. I chose a particularly horrible picture from an awful hair day. 

Holy crap.
I mean, I physically feel awful (and I feel guilty and bad for Blake. Clearly not what he signed up for.)

How did this happen? Simple. I got lazy and learned how to cook.
I screwed up.

Recently, thanks to Netflix and my need to always have noise going on in the background, I have been watching the Biggest Loser and feeling inspired.
Feeling motivated.

Its difficult to take myself seriously at this point. I mean how many diets have I been on? How many times have I said "I'll just start on Monday"? Lots. Lots and Lots.

So here it is. My online confession in the hopes of being held accountable and actually following through with goals.

My food goals.

Ick. I've never been very disciplined when it came to food. 

Salad. I need you people to push salad on me like you're on a mission for the church of health food.

Anyway, its easy to lose yourself and I truly believe that writing a "journal" or honest blog will help me to navigate my way back to me. Or help build a new me anyway.

So heres to that!

But don't worry. This isn't going to become a diet blog or self loathing journal.
Just an honest record of good and bad.

(and if you ever think I'm sharing too much, feel free to click that little red "x" on your browser.)

Its after midnight... that must be why my filter is gone.