I miss nursing

Is that weird?
I don't think it is, but I'm still unsure.

Most moms I talk to to say they're glad to finally have the freedom, to not be bitten by their little milk vampires anymore.

and, though Kaleb never bit me, it is nice to have the freedom of not nursing.

But I still miss it.

I miss needing nothing other than my own body to calm, sooth and feed my son.
I miss him holding me tight and cuddling as he fed. I mean, lets be honest, he is not at all interested in cuddling right now.

Maybe its all part of me resisting (however slightly) him growing up.
I am so proud of my son. I love watching him discover his world and all the things in it.

Hes making decisions now.
My baby is making decisions.

Hes choosing when he wants more and when hes all done.
He knows what books he wants to hear at bedtime.
He decides when he wants to take a bath (which is whenever I ask him, but still)

I'm glad we weaned. It was the right time.
But I see the last small remnant of my baby slipping away.
In his place there is a curious, intelligent, independent and saucy toddler sneaking up.

I also feel unneeded.
Is it coincidence that weaning coincided with Kaleb's "Daddy" phase?
When he was an infant and cried when ever his dad (or anyone besides me) held him, in order to comfort Blake, I told him it was because I was Kalbe's food source. He didn't want me, he wanted lunch.

I didn't think it was actually true.

Now EVERYTHING is "Dada". He even carries around a picture of Blake (when he, Blake, is at work) and says "Dada!" most of the day.

I miss being #1.
And, alright, I'll admit it, I think I deserve to be #1 always. (until he falls in love, of course)

I carried him for 9 months! I fell in love with him when he was the size of my pinky. When Blake would occasionally forget he even existed. Not to mention the struggle of bringing him into this world.

I love him so much.
So completely.
I am a little bitter about being second fiddle to Blake.
(but I guess, if I have to be second to anyone, it should be him)

I expected that with girls, but not my boy.

So, now I have no milk, hardly any cuddles and all the baby weight in the world...

I guess I also have a strong, healthy, so smart toddler who, if I'm lucky, will give me a kiss or two and let me hold his bottle while he drinks.