Oh first trimester, you start out with such excitement and swiftly descend in to nausea and the purest exhaustion not known to man.
Shortly after we found out I was pregnant, the sickness hit.
Now, before that I was doing a pretty good job of having dinner ready for Blake when he came home.
We even had a nice little routine down, eating dinner than having family scripture time at the table when we were all done.
Well, now I couldn't stand the smell, slimy feeling or anything remotely close to raw meat. Ick. It threw off our entire family evening routine. I can't remember making more than a baked potato for my husband my entire first trimester. Not that hes incapable, he fended for himself just fine.
And the nausea. Oh my goodness. It wasn't like I was constantly throwing up, or even gagging at every other moment, but I was always ALWAYS queazy. Like constantly at the onset of sea sickness.
I remember being sick with Kaleb too, but I was also able to sleep as long as I wanted. I wasn't trying to potty train anyone.
If it was just the sickness, I think it would have been ok. But - and I'm being very candid here, so if that makes you uncomfortable (which would be weird) then go away - I was also so emotional. I felt so depressed and worried and constantly anxious.
Don't misunderstand, I was so happy we were having a baby. We had been trying and I wanted another little one so badly, but that couldn't damn the sadness.
I have never been diagnosed with depression so I can't say 100% thats what it was, but man I felt low.
I felt buried.
I worried constantly. I was worried about how Kaleb would feel when the new baby came - would he still understand how important and wonderful he was to me? I was worried about how the new baby would not get enough attention - after all when Kaleb was born I spent hours just starring at him and attending to him, I couldn't do that now, not with a toddler. I worried about not sleeping. I worried about my relationship with Blake suffering. But most of all I worried and felt guilty about worrying.
I've never had the best self esteem, not always. But during that first trimester I would DWELL on the things I didn't like about myself and on my (real or imagined) shortcomings.
I would cry. I would cry over tiny things, I would cry over things I thought were huge and I would cry over nothing. I always tried hide this from Kaleb, but if he ever did see me cry he would come over and say "its ok mommy, I make you happy." Then I would quickly stop and tell him he did make me happy - then as soon as I was alone again I would cry about what a horrible mother I was.
I was also exhausted and ALWAYS tired. Always so very sleepy. Most mornings I would bring Kaleb in bed with me, turn on netflix and go back to sleep. (and just so you know - it was a very light sleep. And if he ever tried to climb out of bed I would feel it and wake up. My son was safe always.)
I thought about seeing someone or talking to someone (other than Blake) but money or embarrassment (but mostly money) prevented me from doing so. I'm not sure if I'm happy about that (because its passed now) or not. Well, I got through it anyway.
Towards the end of my second trimester, I started feeling better. (though I still didn't cook.)
Kaleb was getting more and more excited about the baby in my belly.
and I made an appointment at Magical 4D images for when I was 15 weeks (beginning of my second trimester) to find out our little one's gender.
It felt nice that the fog was clearing.
I couldn't believe how FAST this pregnancy was going. Probably because I couldn't just sit and focus on it, I had to be a mommy too.
Our baby had grown so much in such a short amount of time. Our baby was a baby, not a little lizard alien anymore.
We had told my Grandma and my Dad that I was pregnant. My cousin, aunt and brother in law guessed, but we hadn't told the "world" yet (read: announced on facebook) so, although our little one was very real, the whole thing was still surreal.
Wonderful. But surreal.
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