Things I didn't expect about...

Having a Baby:

- It was not as painful as I imagined, but it was worse than I imagined.

I had really bad menstrual cramps growing up. Contractions are no worse than that. The horrible part is how relentless contractions are. If I knew "OK, 10 of these and you'll have your son" I would have been fine, but 20 hours into it I was still only half way done! I felt like it would never end. By the time I was able to push I was so incredibly exhausted. I never knew the mental and emotional toll pure exhaustion could have. I am so happy I have my son, but I do not want to do that again for a while.

- Having your water break sucks.

It's so great in the movies and on T.V. Yeah, not in real life. If your water breaks, you can't labor at home, you have to be hooked up to monitors, you are much more susceptible to infections and so is your baby.

- To have an Epidural

I really didn't want to have one. 20 hours into labor and I couldn't even see straight. Blake made the decision for me, and I protested a bit, but eventually I had one. I was terrified of needles and thought it would be painful and invasive. It really wasn't painful, but I screamed anyway. It felt just SO WEIRD. I really didn't like how it felt... plus I was screaming about just about everything at that point. 15 minutes later I could rest, I could sleep, I could stop crying. I blame the Pictocin, which had to be used because I wasn't progressing after my water broke. It wasn't our ideal plan, but I'm so glad we decided to roll with the punches, and I got an epidural. I'm sure I would have had to have an emergency C-section if I didn't get it. I would have been too exhausted to push... I barely made it as it was.

- Pushing is involuntary 

and not at all painful (when you have an epidural). It was like an uncontrollable urge. Like pooping or throwing up when you're sick. I couldn't help but push. The difficult thing was actively pushing at the peak of the contraction. I had an incredible husband and a great nurse to coach me and get me through the three hours of that craziness. 

- I wouldn't be able to hold and feed my son right after he was born.

Because of my water breaking, I had a fever and so did Kaleb. I got to hold him for two seconds and then they rushed him off to the NICU. I was too drained at the time, but thinking back it makes me so sad!  

- Recovery is a beeotch.

I knew there would be a certain amount of ... 'damage' - if you will - and I knew things would change, but holy cow! I didn't think how swollen and painful and delicate everything would be. I didn't realise I'd bleed for three weeks straight. And I didn't realise things wouldn't just bounce back.

My Baby:

- He smelled sweet

His breath smelled sweet. Right out of the womb, before he had ever eaten, he smelled sweet. Sort of like peaches. Its beautiful. I can still catch a whiff of it every once and a while.

- He grunts and toots more than my grandfather

Constantly. Hes pushing and grunting and his face is turning red. If you hold him, you feel a little toot in his diaper. My boy is gassy and he is not ashamed.

- He looked like me.

Maybe it was because we were having a boy. Maybe it was because I love my husband so much I couldn't wait to have little Blake's, but when I first saw my little boy, after his swelling went down and he was clean and wrapped up, I saw my features. It was amazing and lovely. Of course, the older Kaleb gets, the more he looks like his father, but whatever. I'll always have my moment. :D

- He smiles and giggles... in his sleep.

One month and I've heard him giggle! Its amazing. But if I wake him up mid giggle or smile and he gets very grumpy. One day I'll be able to make him laugh when hes awake. 

Being a Mother:

- Nursing came naturally

I thought we would have a difficult time (which we kind of did for a day or two), I thought it would feel weird, but it was completely normal. Like I was a pro... well, semi-pro.  It made me feel so close to him. When I nurse and he falls asleep in my arms or is staring me while he eats, I feel like I'm protecting him. Loving him. Its sweet. 

- I love him, just not "more than I ever imagined"

OK, at the risk of sounding horrid, or being judged by other mothers, I have to admit it. People told me, "You'll love him more than anyone in your life", "You don't know how to love until you have a child", "Your capacity to love grows with your baby" and bla bla bla. Honestly, I love my son, but no more than I love my husband or my father. I love them all the same: to full capacity and absolutely. However, I do have an incredible sense of responsibility toward my son. For instance, if Blake falls down and scrapes his elbow, that sucks, but it's his own fault. He's an adult. I wish he didn't hurt, but what are you gonna do? If Kaleb hurts in any way ... ANY way, I feel like it's my fault. My job is to care for and protect him. As his mother, it's my job to keep him safe and happy. I feel addition attachment, obligation and perhaps affection toward my son because of this. It doesn't mean I LOVE him more than my husband, but I do feel like owe him more of me. 

- I'm not as anal as I thought I would be

I really thought I would be so particular about who holds him, who touches him, who changes his diaper or kisses him. But it really isn't a big deal. I was so scared to go to church with him for the first time, I didn't want people poking him or touching him, but people aren't stupid and I dont mind as much.  Go me, right?

Kaleb's Birth Story

The birth story of my baby boy, Kaleb.

As captured by the talented LDS photographer and friend, Ashley Perez.

It started on September 6, 2011. 

My water broke just after I had finished making a burrito.

Figures, right?

Well, I changed my pants, finished my burrito, did a little primping and we made our way to the hospital.

I wasn't feeling any contractions at that point. Just excitement and relief that we would soon have our baby boy.

While preparing for our little one, we devised a birthing plan that included the use of "Hypnobabies".

An awesome program that helped me get through most of my pregnancy pain, including Sciatica.

The main part of our "plan" however, was to roll with the punches. If something happened not on our birthing plan, to just go with it and make it work.

Good thing too, because nothing went according to plan.

I did not think my water would break, but it did so I had to stay at the hospital the entire time. 

I wasn't progressing hardly at all, so the doctors suggested pitocin. 

I said "no" I didn't want to interfere if I could help it, so we waited another painful 4 hours and still nothing. 

Blake (my husband) and I talked about it, and came to the conclusion; we weren't inducing labor (which we absolutely did not want to do) we were helping it along a bit. 

So they pumped me full of pitocin and labor got intense very quickly. 

I used the techniques learned from Hypnobabies through the coaching and support of my husband.

(and oh my goodness, he was amazing. So gentle and attentive. So loving and sweet. He was amazing)

However, 24 hours after labor started I was completely exhausted, and slightly delusional.

(apparently I was telling Blake about a man who wasn't allowed in the room...?)

Not to mention I had to constantly wear a fetal monitor around my belly, had the IV of pitocin in my hand and had to pee every two minutes. There was constantly unhooking, rolling over, hobbling, re hooking just to do it all over again. 

Everything was so intense, and I was so exhausted, Blake made the executive decision to have me get an epidural. 

I cried.

I felt weak and like I was doing the wrong thing.

Blake reminded me I had to have enough energy to push, or we would have to have a C-section.

(because my water broke, bacteria was able to enter my uterus and Kaleb and I were starting to run a fever)

So, I yielded and cried felt the most icky thing ever as a tube entered my spine.

However, two minutes after that, I watched the little contraction tracker shoot up and I didn't feel a thing. 

You also have to have catheter put in when you have an epidural, and as gross as that sounds, I didn't have to get up every two minutes anymore so that was a relief as well

I started laughing.

Then I "passed out". (read: feel asleep from exhaustion)

Thats about when Ashley joined us.

Blake was reading Kaleb The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe almost every night so he, Kaleb,  would know Blake's voice.

My mother in law cam in and felt my little boy squirming

Blake was so wonderful. He was comforting me here.

Trying to say hello to Kaleb

I was so very exhausted

... and a little delirious. 

Blake was my rock

My little brother's came in to visit. (Dig my Hospital gown? I got it at Gownies along with another one that I wore the following day.)

My dad came by too.

When my fingers became too bloated for my wedding ring, I started waring Blake's Spanish CTR ring.

I started to feel the urge to push, and told my nurses. We got things ready. I started pushing.

For three hours I was pushing. I was so exhausted.

Blake said a silent prayer while things stalled. (I didn't know about this until we got the images back from Ashley)

There was about a minute in between pushes... I fell asleep each time.

Blake could see Kaleb's head!

Just a few more pushes and he would here... have I mentioned how exhausted I was?

Then finally, late in the evening on September 7, 2011, he was finally here.

See that cone head? Thats what happens when you hang out in the birth canal for three hours. His head is perfect now, in case you were wondering.

The first time I held him he was right on top of where he spent the last 9 months. 

Because had a fever and possible infection, they took him away to clean and monitor him right away. Normally they would have just handed him to me and I could have held him. This is was saddest part of the day in retrospect, but at the time I just saying "make sure hes OK."

And Blake got to stay with him.

They handed him to me for a quick minute...

and I got to kiss him for the first time.

Then Kaleb and his daddy went to the NICU for bath and antibiotics. And my daddy came by to see how I was feeling.

Along with more family. I loved having them there for support.

It was a good thing Blake read to our little baby so often, because Blake was able to sooth him while I was getting stitched and squeezed and waiting to see my boy.

There is a painting at the hospital with a little red button in the center, and if you've just delivered you can push the button as you pass by and it plays Brahms Lullaby throughout the hospital. 

And when I finally got to hold him, I could barely breathe. He looked just like a mini my father. He was MY son. I had a son. I could barely breathe.

My little kicker baby was in my arms.

Our family had its newest addition. We were complete. We were whole.

I am so thankful we had Ashley there to capture these precious moments.
And I'm thankful for my darling little family.