Baby #2 - The first Trimenster

This post covers February 2014 to About April 25, 2014

Oh first trimester,  you start out with such excitement and swiftly descend in to nausea and the purest exhaustion not known to man.
Shortly after we found out I was pregnant, the sickness hit.
Now, before that I was doing a pretty good job of having dinner ready for Blake when he came home.
We even had a nice little routine down, eating dinner than having family scripture time at the table when we were all done.

Well, now I couldn't stand the smell, slimy feeling or anything remotely close to raw meat. Ick. It threw off our entire family evening routine. I can't remember making more than a baked potato for my husband my entire first trimester. Not that hes incapable, he fended for himself just fine.

And the nausea. Oh my goodness. It wasn't like I was constantly throwing up, or even gagging at every other moment, but I was always ALWAYS queazy.  Like constantly at the onset of sea sickness.

I remember being sick with Kaleb too, but I was also able to sleep as long as I wanted. I wasn't trying to potty train anyone.

If it was just the sickness, I think it would have been ok. But - and I'm being very candid here, so if that makes you uncomfortable (which would be weird) then go away - I was also so emotional. I felt so depressed and worried and constantly anxious.

Don't misunderstand, I was so happy we were having a baby. We had been trying and I wanted another little one so badly, but that couldn't damn the sadness.

I have never been diagnosed with depression so I can't say 100% thats what it was, but man I felt low.
I felt buried.

I worried constantly. I was worried about how Kaleb would feel when the new baby came - would he still understand how important and wonderful he was to me? I was worried about how the new baby would not get enough attention - after all when Kaleb was born I spent hours just starring at him and attending to him, I couldn't do that now, not with a toddler. I worried about not sleeping. I worried about my relationship with Blake suffering. But most of all I worried and felt guilty about worrying.

I've never had the best self esteem, not always. But during that first trimester I would DWELL on the things I didn't like about myself and on my (real or imagined) shortcomings.

I would cry. I would cry over tiny things, I would cry over things I thought were huge and I would cry over nothing. I always tried hide this from Kaleb, but if he ever did see me cry he would come over and say "its ok mommy, I make you happy." Then I would quickly stop and tell him he did make me happy - then as soon as I was alone again I would cry about what a horrible mother I was.

I was also exhausted and ALWAYS tired. Always so very sleepy. Most mornings I would bring Kaleb in bed with me, turn on netflix and go back to sleep. (and just so you know - it was a very light sleep. And if he ever tried to climb out of bed I would feel it and wake up. My son was safe always.)

I thought about seeing someone or talking to someone (other than Blake) but money or embarrassment (but mostly money) prevented me from doing so. I'm not sure if I'm happy about that (because its passed now) or not. Well, I got through it anyway.

Towards the end of my second trimester, I started feeling better. (though I still didn't cook.)
Kaleb was getting more and more excited about the baby in my belly.
and I made an appointment at Magical 4D images for when I was 15 weeks (beginning of my second trimester) to find out our little one's gender.

It felt nice that the fog was clearing.
I couldn't believe how FAST this pregnancy was going. Probably because I couldn't just sit and focus on it, I had to be a mommy too.
Our baby had grown so much in such a short amount of time. Our baby was a baby, not a little lizard alien anymore.

We had told my Grandma and my Dad that I was pregnant. My cousin, aunt and brother in law guessed, but we hadn't told the "world" yet (read: announced on facebook) so, although our little one was very real, the whole thing was still surreal.

Wonderful. But surreal.

Kaleb's Birth Story

The birth story of my baby boy, Kaleb.

As captured by the talented LDS photographer and friend, Ashley Perez.

It started on September 6, 2011. 

My water broke just after I had finished making a burrito.

Figures, right?

Well, I changed my pants, finished my burrito, did a little primping and we made our way to the hospital.

I wasn't feeling any contractions at that point. Just excitement and relief that we would soon have our baby boy.

While preparing for our little one, we devised a birthing plan that included the use of "Hypnobabies".

An awesome program that helped me get through most of my pregnancy pain, including Sciatica.

The main part of our "plan" however, was to roll with the punches. If something happened not on our birthing plan, to just go with it and make it work.

Good thing too, because nothing went according to plan.

I did not think my water would break, but it did so I had to stay at the hospital the entire time. 

I wasn't progressing hardly at all, so the doctors suggested pitocin. 

I said "no" I didn't want to interfere if I could help it, so we waited another painful 4 hours and still nothing. 

Blake (my husband) and I talked about it, and came to the conclusion; we weren't inducing labor (which we absolutely did not want to do) we were helping it along a bit. 

So they pumped me full of pitocin and labor got intense very quickly. 

I used the techniques learned from Hypnobabies through the coaching and support of my husband.

(and oh my goodness, he was amazing. So gentle and attentive. So loving and sweet. He was amazing)

However, 24 hours after labor started I was completely exhausted, and slightly delusional.

(apparently I was telling Blake about a man who wasn't allowed in the room...?)

Not to mention I had to constantly wear a fetal monitor around my belly, had the IV of pitocin in my hand and had to pee every two minutes. There was constantly unhooking, rolling over, hobbling, re hooking just to do it all over again. 

Everything was so intense, and I was so exhausted, Blake made the executive decision to have me get an epidural. 

I cried.

I felt weak and like I was doing the wrong thing.

Blake reminded me I had to have enough energy to push, or we would have to have a C-section.

(because my water broke, bacteria was able to enter my uterus and Kaleb and I were starting to run a fever)

So, I yielded and cried felt the most icky thing ever as a tube entered my spine.

However, two minutes after that, I watched the little contraction tracker shoot up and I didn't feel a thing. 

You also have to have catheter put in when you have an epidural, and as gross as that sounds, I didn't have to get up every two minutes anymore so that was a relief as well

I started laughing.

Then I "passed out". (read: feel asleep from exhaustion)

Thats about when Ashley joined us.

Blake was reading Kaleb The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe almost every night so he, Kaleb,  would know Blake's voice.

My mother in law cam in and felt my little boy squirming

Blake was so wonderful. He was comforting me here.

Trying to say hello to Kaleb

I was so very exhausted

... and a little delirious. 

Blake was my rock

My little brother's came in to visit. (Dig my Hospital gown? I got it at Gownies along with another one that I wore the following day.)

My dad came by too.

When my fingers became too bloated for my wedding ring, I started waring Blake's Spanish CTR ring.

I started to feel the urge to push, and told my nurses. We got things ready. I started pushing.

For three hours I was pushing. I was so exhausted.

Blake said a silent prayer while things stalled. (I didn't know about this until we got the images back from Ashley)

There was about a minute in between pushes... I fell asleep each time.

Blake could see Kaleb's head!

Just a few more pushes and he would here... have I mentioned how exhausted I was?

Then finally, late in the evening on September 7, 2011, he was finally here.

See that cone head? Thats what happens when you hang out in the birth canal for three hours. His head is perfect now, in case you were wondering.

The first time I held him he was right on top of where he spent the last 9 months. 

Because had a fever and possible infection, they took him away to clean and monitor him right away. Normally they would have just handed him to me and I could have held him. This is was saddest part of the day in retrospect, but at the time I just saying "make sure hes OK."

And Blake got to stay with him.

They handed him to me for a quick minute...

and I got to kiss him for the first time.

Then Kaleb and his daddy went to the NICU for bath and antibiotics. And my daddy came by to see how I was feeling.

Along with more family. I loved having them there for support.

It was a good thing Blake read to our little baby so often, because Blake was able to sooth him while I was getting stitched and squeezed and waiting to see my boy.

There is a painting at the hospital with a little red button in the center, and if you've just delivered you can push the button as you pass by and it plays Brahms Lullaby throughout the hospital. 

And when I finally got to hold him, I could barely breathe. He looked just like a mini my father. He was MY son. I had a son. I could barely breathe.

My little kicker baby was in my arms.

Our family had its newest addition. We were complete. We were whole.

I am so thankful we had Ashley there to capture these precious moments.
And I'm thankful for my darling little family.