Things I didn't expect about...

Having a Baby:

- It was not as painful as I imagined, but it was worse than I imagined.

I had really bad menstrual cramps growing up. Contractions are no worse than that. The horrible part is how relentless contractions are. If I knew "OK, 10 of these and you'll have your son" I would have been fine, but 20 hours into it I was still only half way done! I felt like it would never end. By the time I was able to push I was so incredibly exhausted. I never knew the mental and emotional toll pure exhaustion could have. I am so happy I have my son, but I do not want to do that again for a while.

- Having your water break sucks.

It's so great in the movies and on T.V. Yeah, not in real life. If your water breaks, you can't labor at home, you have to be hooked up to monitors, you are much more susceptible to infections and so is your baby.

- To have an Epidural

I really didn't want to have one. 20 hours into labor and I couldn't even see straight. Blake made the decision for me, and I protested a bit, but eventually I had one. I was terrified of needles and thought it would be painful and invasive. It really wasn't painful, but I screamed anyway. It felt just SO WEIRD. I really didn't like how it felt... plus I was screaming about just about everything at that point. 15 minutes later I could rest, I could sleep, I could stop crying. I blame the Pictocin, which had to be used because I wasn't progressing after my water broke. It wasn't our ideal plan, but I'm so glad we decided to roll with the punches, and I got an epidural. I'm sure I would have had to have an emergency C-section if I didn't get it. I would have been too exhausted to push... I barely made it as it was.

- Pushing is involuntary 

and not at all painful (when you have an epidural). It was like an uncontrollable urge. Like pooping or throwing up when you're sick. I couldn't help but push. The difficult thing was actively pushing at the peak of the contraction. I had an incredible husband and a great nurse to coach me and get me through the three hours of that craziness. 

- I wouldn't be able to hold and feed my son right after he was born.

Because of my water breaking, I had a fever and so did Kaleb. I got to hold him for two seconds and then they rushed him off to the NICU. I was too drained at the time, but thinking back it makes me so sad!  

- Recovery is a beeotch.

I knew there would be a certain amount of ... 'damage' - if you will - and I knew things would change, but holy cow! I didn't think how swollen and painful and delicate everything would be. I didn't realise I'd bleed for three weeks straight. And I didn't realise things wouldn't just bounce back.

My Baby:

- He smelled sweet

His breath smelled sweet. Right out of the womb, before he had ever eaten, he smelled sweet. Sort of like peaches. Its beautiful. I can still catch a whiff of it every once and a while.

- He grunts and toots more than my grandfather

Constantly. Hes pushing and grunting and his face is turning red. If you hold him, you feel a little toot in his diaper. My boy is gassy and he is not ashamed.

- He looked like me.

Maybe it was because we were having a boy. Maybe it was because I love my husband so much I couldn't wait to have little Blake's, but when I first saw my little boy, after his swelling went down and he was clean and wrapped up, I saw my features. It was amazing and lovely. Of course, the older Kaleb gets, the more he looks like his father, but whatever. I'll always have my moment. :D

- He smiles and giggles... in his sleep.

One month and I've heard him giggle! Its amazing. But if I wake him up mid giggle or smile and he gets very grumpy. One day I'll be able to make him laugh when hes awake. 

Being a Mother:

- Nursing came naturally

I thought we would have a difficult time (which we kind of did for a day or two), I thought it would feel weird, but it was completely normal. Like I was a pro... well, semi-pro.  It made me feel so close to him. When I nurse and he falls asleep in my arms or is staring me while he eats, I feel like I'm protecting him. Loving him. Its sweet. 

- I love him, just not "more than I ever imagined"

OK, at the risk of sounding horrid, or being judged by other mothers, I have to admit it. People told me, "You'll love him more than anyone in your life", "You don't know how to love until you have a child", "Your capacity to love grows with your baby" and bla bla bla. Honestly, I love my son, but no more than I love my husband or my father. I love them all the same: to full capacity and absolutely. However, I do have an incredible sense of responsibility toward my son. For instance, if Blake falls down and scrapes his elbow, that sucks, but it's his own fault. He's an adult. I wish he didn't hurt, but what are you gonna do? If Kaleb hurts in any way ... ANY way, I feel like it's my fault. My job is to care for and protect him. As his mother, it's my job to keep him safe and happy. I feel addition attachment, obligation and perhaps affection toward my son because of this. It doesn't mean I LOVE him more than my husband, but I do feel like owe him more of me. 

- I'm not as anal as I thought I would be

I really thought I would be so particular about who holds him, who touches him, who changes his diaper or kisses him. But it really isn't a big deal. I was so scared to go to church with him for the first time, I didn't want people poking him or touching him, but people aren't stupid and I dont mind as much.  Go me, right?